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Boundaries: What are they? Why do they matter?

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What are boundaries anyway?

Boundaries are everything. You’ll get what I mean after a few more discussions about this important topic. If you visit with a Trailtalk® therapist, you will come to understand how you do or don’t do boundaries, and how that works or doesn’t work for you.

Have you heard the phrase coined by Robert Frost, “Fences make the best neighbors?”

When I ask clients what that means to them, many say, “fences protect you.” In a way, they do for sure. Prison fences with barbwire along the top or fortress walls will protect you, or rather keep you out. But, the average fence is more of a property identifier.

I see this phrase as meaning; fences delineate my property from yours. It differentiates me from you. When we have a well defined, and functional fence line between us, we choose who and when others enter into our yards. A fence, like our personal boundaries, afford us choices.

Make sense? If not here’s another analogy.

Skin is another type of boundary. If you didn’t have skin on, your blood and guts would get all over me. Yuck!!! Your skin defines your person. It gives you integrity, shape, form, and meaning. It affords you the freedom (choices) to get up and move around and be a human. It differentiates you from me. Yes, your skin is a better example of protecting you. Yet, it protects you from infection and internal invasions, versus protecting you from other humans. Our skin, in term of relationship boundaries, is a most important tool to connect us to others, not keep them away.

Fences in good working order have an equal part of flexion and tension.

Fences – see this illustration to understand the equal parts of flexion and tension concept.

Fences need a measure of flexion in order to bend and adapt to weather changes. Flexion is necessary. Too much flexion and the fence gets flatten by heavy winds.

Fences need some tension to oppose the flexion so they don’t get flattened. Too much tension and the rigidity causes the same issue. Weather comes up against a resistant fence line and after a while the fence snaps.

What do I do now to understand how my boundaries have helped or hindered my relationship?

Well, here are a few Tips from the Trail if you need some fence-mending done before the winter storms come your way:

1. Consider how you do boundaries. Is your fence line too flexible? Is it too rigid? I’ll be talking more about the differences in future blogs.

2. Notice how you interact with your loved ones and colleagues. Are you the easy going guy? Or are you known as the “my way or the highway” person? I’m not saying one is better than the other, I’m just suggesting the flexion and tension ratio in our fences significantly impact our relationships. We have to come to an awareness before we can make a change.

3. Talk to a friend or family member about what boundaries mean to them.  You might be surprised what you can learn from others when we broach these types of topics.

Happy trails to you and yours today, Allison

(You fence builders out there: please feel free to correct me if I am wrong about how real fences work. I have never personally made a fence so your feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks.)

Gratefulness for our Day leads to a Beautiful Day

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Give me more Serotonin! 

Serotonin helps maintain our mood. Winnie the Pooh is a perfect example of a person (or bear) with just the right amount of Serotonin floating around in his furry body. He’s never too down and never too high. We do many things to regulate our mood throughout the day. One method is counting our blessings and being grateful. Recording what we are thankful for actually releases some additional serotonin into our systems.

Here’s a Tip from the Trail:

Keep a journal and pen at your bedside. Before you jump to your TODO list, take a few minutes and write down three things for which you are grateful.

For example:

  • “Thank you for another day! I’m alive!”
  • “Thank you for my family.”
  • “Thank you for a good night’s sleep.”

I like to use a dry erase marker and write my three grateful thoughts on my bathroom mirror. Do the same thing during your sleep hygiene routine.  A Harvard Health Publication elaborates on the benefits of showing gratitude each day, and how expressing this praise may be the simplest way to feel better. 

Keep writing your words of gratitude on the mirror until you can no longer see your reflection. Take a photo, so you don’t forget. Erase and repeat. Those words represent the condition of your heart. Gratefulness is the new cardio.

“Let’s not forget we’re alive; it’s going to be a beautiful day.” ~ Joshua Radin

Happy Trails,

Allison

Are you SAD? When the seasons change, so do our moods

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If you are more sluggish and cranky than usual these last few weeks, it could be related to the shorter days, less exposure to sunlight, and colder temperatures. 

A 2008 study by J. Denison and colleagues looked at how temperature, wind power, sunlight, day length, precipitation, and air pressure affected mood. Over 1,000 people completed online diaries he linked with weather station data. The researchers determined changes in temperature, wind, and sunlight had negative effects on mood. Seems obvious to those of us with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  Waking up in the dark makes it harder to get out of bed. The snooze alarms on our phones work overtime during this time of year.  Shorter days cause high carb food cravings. Many of us start packing on the pounds as winter approaches. Holiday food feasts add insult to injury.

We, humans, fall out of emotional wellness during stressful life events. Much like getting a physical illness. Our immune systems get overwhelmed by a virus and we fall ill. We aren’t necessarily terminally ill but we need help and support with our recovery back to wellness.  It’s the same with our changing moods. The continuation of COVID’s social distancing and other restrictions has compounded has tipped the scale where our stressors overwhelm our coping strategies. Trailtalk’s Rocketman knows that fear resides in the past (would of, could of, should of thinking) and in the future (creating outcomes, worst-case scenario thinking).  We all fall out of balance when we thoughts time travel.  Living in the present moment, mindfully is where we find our baseline level of contentment.

Like Malcolm Gladwell says in his book, The Tipping Point, it’s all about time at task. We have to practice changing our thinking if we want to change how we feel and act. See your therapist if you want to learn about the think, feel, act cycle. Some of us need more than therapy during the changes of season. If you have a family history of depression and anxiety, contact your medical provider for additional support.

Here are a few TIPS from the TRAIL to help with SAD:

1. Try adding additional light to your morning routine for 20-30 minutes. Get a SAD Therapy LightBox. Look for a lightbox 10,000-lux light that is specifically used for seasonal affective disorder. We have a couple listed on our website store. Check Costco and Amazon. The key is to use it daily. Talk to your medical provider or therapists if you need help choosing the right light box for your morning routine.

2. Take extra Vitamin D. Ask your medical provider for a simple blood test before you start a supplement, so you know how much to take every day. Even if you are an avid outdoors person, the use of sunscreen prevents us from absorbing adequate amounts of Vitamin D.  Low vitamin D means low serotonin, which means low mood.

3. Get a Carhartt jacket or other type of warm snow clothes, a pair of yaktraxs, boot heaters, hand warmers, and hit the trails!  According to the Scandinavians, “there’s no such thing as bad weather, it’s just bad clothing.”

4. Find an accountability partner who will be waiting on you to slip on the snow boots and meet them outside. Walking and talking in nature heals. Move your body and clear your mind.

If adding light therapy to your morning routine, taking vitamin D, getting outdoors every day for even 30 minutes doesn’t lift your mood, seek out an emotional tuneup with a therapist. Weather changes can affect our moods, but some of us have depression and mood shifting all year round. Get help and make this season brighter for you and your loved ones.

Peace, love, health, and hope to you during this season of change,

The Emotional Sherpa

References:

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/seasonal-affective-disordeDenissen, Jaap J. A.; Butalid, Ligaya; Penke, Lars; van Aken, Marcel A. G.

Emotion, Vol 8(5), Oct 2008, 662-667. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0013497

Pandemic PAUSE button: How I changed my thinking to improve my College experience

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This year has been a challenge for everyone around the world, in a multitude of ways. I can’t necessarily speak to the problems that have arisen for others, but I can talk about my experience. I am heading into my junior year at St. Lawrence University, a semester I didn’t know if I’d get to experience. And to be honest, I still won’t really know how I will attend or not attend school. College is such an informative and crucial time of life. It’s a rite of passage. My classmates and I have had to mourn the loss of our lives as we knew them. We lost our connections with our professors and friend groups, canceled sports games, and on-campus festivals are a thing of the past. These activities and routines are so essential to our experiences. But here are!
In March, I returned from spring break and found out I would be completing the semester online. At first, I was kind of excited, not going to lie. College online means I can sleep in (and in my own bed), and be with my family and dogs! That excitement lasted for about a week. Then, reality set in. It wasn’t long until I found myself starting classwork at 2:30 in the afternoon (which also happens to be my sleepy time).  I wasn’t motivated to get much done. After a few days of lacking luster, doing the bare minimum, and binge-watching my current Netflix series, I decided I needed to do something.

Here are a few Tips from the Trail from Josie:
1. Add novelty and fun into every day. I started with something small. I  make chocolate chip cookies or muffins. It gives me something to do and well, who doesn’t like chocolate chip cookies. Then to offset all the cookies I was eating, I decided I’d do my schoolwork until ten and then go work out.

2. Create routines. And, work out! Exercise is a mood elevator. Working out motivates me to find things to do for the rest of the day. I started to read (and drool) recipes by various food bloggers, and then I’d make their sweet treats or entrees. It was so much fun! And my parents enjoyed the constant fill of treats around the house. It wasn’t long before I found myself learning new things. I began painting, turning old jewelry into unique jewelry, and reading (and re-reading) all the books on my bookcase. When it got warmer out, I spent a lot of time sitting on the deck reading or taking long walks into the woods with our new puppy!

3. Explore new ways of finding joy.  What I think has been the most impactful about this experience is that I’ve had the time and space to explore new things I wouldn’t usually have been interested in doing. Boredom really can take you to some fantastic places. At first, we didn’t know what to do with ourselves, and sometimes it was stressful to always be around your family. Finding new activities was my escape, and then when I could be outside, that was my escape.

4. Be outside as much as possible. I  found I was much happier when I kept my mind and body engaged throughout the day. I grew up in the great outdoors. It’s where I feel the most grounded and clear about who I am as a human being. It’s not about doing, it is about being.

Let’s allow ourselves time to mourn the lives we once called normal. And at the same time, celebrate the fact that we  are still alive! We can even find normalcy and joy in a world of chaos!

PS: Hold loosely to outcomes. Read more here about how to live mindfully in the present moment.

Peace and good health to you, Your Emotional Sherpa.®

It’s going to be another beautiful day!

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Give me more Serotonin! 

Serotonin helps maintain our mood. Winnie the Pooh is a perfect example of a person (or bear) with just the right amount of Serotonin floating around in his furry body. He’s never too down and never too high. We do many things to regulate our mood throughout the day. One method is counting our blessings and being grateful. Recording what we are thankful for actually releases some additional serotonin into our systems.

Here’s a Tip from the Trail:

Keep a journal and pen at your bedside. Before you jump to your TODO list, take a few minutes and write down three things for which you are grateful.

For example:

  • “Thank you for another day! I’m alive!”
  • “Thank you for my family.”
  • “Thank you for a good night’s sleep.”

I like to use a dry erase marker and write my three grateful thoughts on my bathroom mirror. Do the same thing during your sleep hygiene routine.  A Harvard Health Publication elaborates on the benefits of showing gratitude each day, and how expressing this praise may be the simplest way to feel better. 

Keep writing your words of gratitude on the mirror until you can no longer see your reflection. Take a photo, so you don’t forget. Erase and repeat. Those words represent the condition of your heart. Gratefulness is the new cardio.

“Let’s not forget we’re alive; it’s going to be a beautiful day.” ~ Joshua Radin

Happy Trails,

Allison

Anxiety: I’m a Little Tea Pot Short and Stout!

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As many of us know, anxiety feels like being chased by a tiger. Our bodies are machines and don’t know the difference between a real threat versus a perceived threat. There may be no tiger chasing us, but our FIGHT, FLIGHT, or FREEZE response takes action the very same way.

Anxiety, fear, panic, and stress are degrees of the same feeling. Excitement is on that continuum as well. I’ve been skiing and felt excited, but at the same time, the ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling turn to fear, and then back again to the excitement. Do you know what I mean?

Our feelings (emotions) inform us. They also add depth, richness, and meaning to our lives. When we deny those emotions, anxiety ensues, much like this Tea Pot drawing (courtesy of Janie Hartmann).  Strong emotions boil and rumble just below the surface. Lucky there’s an escape route, or spout to let out low levels of emotions.

As the heat in the kettle rises (as life happens), those feelings boil over into uncomfortable levels of anxiety. When we keep the lid on trying hard to release controlled amounts of steam, it’s like being at Grandma’s house and hearing the Whistling Tea Pot in the Kitchen. The sound interrupts the conversation, and someone rushes to the kitchen to turn off the stove. The screaming whistle can only go on so long before it drives us crazy!

Holding in our emotions causes the same reaction. The kettle’s lid eventually blows off and those strong emotions get loose! Yikes! Over time our anxiety becomes palpable and spills over into our relationships. It affects our functioning and eventually wreaks havoc in our lives.

The ‘boil over’ shows up in the form of anger, a panic attack, or a delayed grief response. It’s easy to understand why some of us don’t dare feel those strong emotions. “What if I do cry now like I wanted to when Dad died a few years ago? I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop.”

When we avoid strong emotions and put on a happy face as if life is always rosy, we end up reacting to little things, rather than responding to what’s really important. Someone might say, ” What up? You’re usually chill about these kinds of things. Your anger seems a bit over the top for the situation.” And, it is. Because when we don’t allow ourselves to feel a range of emotions, we will hit our threshold, and go from 0 to 10 without warning.  That’s another discussion about how people with flexible boundaries need to add some tension to their fence lines. The equal amount of Flexion and Tension in our fences offers us choices as to how we respond to our thoughts and feelings.

Emotions are meant to be felt. If we take heed and feel the feeling rather than intellectualize it or run from it, we can respond to our feelings, rather then react to them. A sign of good emotional health is having the ability to think and feel at the same time. Uncoupling our thoughts from our feelings breaks the chain reaction of reacting to an experience rather than choosing a more honorable response.

So what Tips from the Trail can help us deal with our Whistling Tea Pots?

  1. First off, we have to become aware of our dysfunctional relationship patterns if we want to change them. This is the frustrating part. We want our friends or loved ones to change because obviously, it’s their problem. 🙂 We recognize the pattern and they can’t or aren’t ready to turn FaceTime toward themselves, own it, and choose new ways of relating. When someone avoids feeling for so long, it’s not easy for them to all of a sudden become aware and decide to change.
  2. If and when we do gain insight into our maladaptive relationship patterns and desire change, then we can slowly, over time, learn to tolerate these strong emotions. How?  Try this technique called Riding the Wave of Strong Emotions.

Ride the Wave (learn more about emotional surfing @ http://www.mindfulexposurebook.com/).

You can do this anywhere. Just remember to keep your eyes open if you are driving. 🙂

a. When an uncomfortable emotion shows up, notice it, name it, and talk to yourself about it.  For example, “Ah, there’s that fear again. Stay present, Allison. No tiger is chasing you. It is a perceived threat. You can handle this.”

b. Notice where it shows up in your body. I feel it in my stomach.

c. Then, imagine you are in a warm, beautiful ocean and the soft, round swells are rising up and down. See this in your mind’s eye: See it, hear it, feel it, smell it, and taste it. Engage every sense to bring yourself into and onto the WAVE.

d. Now, instead of pushing the emotion away and distracting yourself as you usually would, allow the feeling to rise in you like the warm swell of a wave. Breathe in slowly as the tide rises, and out even slower as you drop down on the other side of the swell.

e. Stay in the WAVE for several breath cycles.  That might be four times or 10 times.  Stay as long as you can tolerate the feeling. The feeling will dissipate over time. Just notice it as it gradually decreases in intensity. Don’t judge the emotion, or beat yourself up about feeling it.  Read more in John Kabat Zinn’s book Mindfulness for Beginners to understand the power of the breath, and the power we have over how we choose to think.

f. I do this exercise when I am driving to an anxiety-provoking event. I sometimes, without warning get overwhelmed with emotion.  I’ll notice it and take the time right then to feel it full on and with regular practice that feeling’s emotional valence drops.

g. Now it’s time to Self Regulate or Mood State Change. Come back to the present – get out of the water and onto the beach. Let the emotion go and get into what’s happening around you. I do the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise. Turn on some music, take a walk, or finish driving to the meeting and:

SEE 5 things you haven’t noticed before (Beginner’s Mind concept)

Hear 4 things

Feel 3 things

Smell 2 things

Taste 1 things.

Where ever you are, enjoy this day for you only have one chance at experiencing today.  Happy trails, Allison

 

 

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