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Trailtalk Articles

It’s going to be another beautiful day!

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Give me more Serotonin! 

Serotonin helps maintain our mood. Winnie the Pooh is a perfect example of a person (or bear) with just the right amount of Serotonin floating around in his furry body. He’s never too down and never too high. We do many things to regulate our mood throughout the day. One method is counting our blessings and being grateful. Recording what we are thankful for actually releases some additional serotonin into our systems.

Here’s a Tip from the Trail:

Keep a journal and pen at your bedside. Before you jump to your TODO list, take a few minutes and write down three things for which you are grateful.

For example:

  • “Thank you for another day! I’m alive!”
  • “Thank you for my family.”
  • “Thank you for a good night’s sleep.”

I like to use a dry erase marker and write my three grateful thoughts on my bathroom mirror. Do the same thing during your sleep hygiene routine.  A Harvard Health Publication elaborates on the benefits of showing gratitude each day, and how expressing this praise may be the simplest way to feel better. 

Keep writing your words of gratitude on the mirror until you can no longer see your reflection. Take a photo, so you don’t forget. Erase and repeat. Those words represent the condition of your heart. Gratefulness is the new cardio.

“Let’s not forget we’re alive; it’s going to be a beautiful day.” ~ Joshua Radin

Happy Trails,

Allison

Anxiety: I’m a Little Tea Pot Short and Stout!

by

As many of us know, anxiety feels like being chased by a tiger. Our bodies are machines and don’t know the difference between a real threat versus a perceived threat. There may be no tiger chasing us, but our FIGHT, FLIGHT, or FREEZE response takes action the very same way.

Anxiety, fear, panic, and stress are degrees of the same feeling. Excitement is on that continuum as well. I’ve been skiing and felt excited, but at the same time, the ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling turn to fear, and then back again to the excitement. Do you know what I mean?

Our feelings (emotions) inform us. They also add depth, richness, and meaning to our lives. When we deny those emotions, anxiety ensues, much like this Tea Pot drawing (courtesy of Janie Hartmann).  Strong emotions boil and rumble just below the surface. Lucky there’s an escape route, or spout to let out low levels of emotions.

As the heat in the kettle rises (as life happens), those feelings boil over into uncomfortable levels of anxiety. When we keep the lid on trying hard to release controlled amounts of steam, it’s like being at Grandma’s house and hearing the Whistling Tea Pot in the Kitchen. The sound interrupts the conversation, and someone rushes to the kitchen to turn off the stove. The screaming whistle can only go on so long before it drives us crazy!

Holding in our emotions causes the same reaction. The kettle’s lid eventually blows off and those strong emotions get loose! Yikes! Over time our anxiety becomes palpable and spills over into our relationships. It affects our functioning and eventually wreaks havoc in our lives.

The ‘boil over’ shows up in the form of anger, a panic attack, or a delayed grief response. It’s easy to understand why some of us don’t dare feel those strong emotions. “What if I do cry now like I wanted to when Dad died a few years ago? I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop.”

When we avoid strong emotions and put on a happy face as if life is always rosy, we end up reacting to little things, rather than responding to what’s really important. Someone might say, ” What up? You’re usually chill about these kinds of things. Your anger seems a bit over the top for the situation.” And, it is. Because when we don’t allow ourselves to feel a range of emotions, we will hit our threshold, and go from 0 to 10 without warning.  That’s another discussion about how people with flexible boundaries need to add some tension to their fence lines. The equal amount of Flexion and Tension in our fences offers us choices as to how we respond to our thoughts and feelings.

Emotions are meant to be felt. If we take heed and feel the feeling rather than intellectualize it or run from it, we can respond to our feelings, rather then react to them. A sign of good emotional health is having the ability to think and feel at the same time. Uncoupling our thoughts from our feelings breaks the chain reaction of reacting to an experience rather than choosing a more honorable response.

So what Tips from the Trail can help us deal with our Whistling Tea Pots?

  1. First off, we have to become aware of our dysfunctional relationship patterns if we want to change them. This is the frustrating part. We want our friends or loved ones to change because obviously, it’s their problem. 🙂 We recognize the pattern and they can’t or aren’t ready to turn FaceTime toward themselves, own it, and choose new ways of relating. When someone avoids feeling for so long, it’s not easy for them to all of a sudden become aware and decide to change.
  2. If and when we do gain insight into our maladaptive relationship patterns and desire change, then we can slowly, over time, learn to tolerate these strong emotions. How?  Try this technique called Riding the Wave of Strong Emotions.

Ride the Wave (learn more about emotional surfing @ http://www.mindfulexposurebook.com/).

You can do this anywhere. Just remember to keep your eyes open if you are driving. 🙂

a. When an uncomfortable emotion shows up, notice it, name it, and talk to yourself about it.  For example, “Ah, there’s that fear again. Stay present, Allison. No tiger is chasing you. It is a perceived threat. You can handle this.”

b. Notice where it shows up in your body. I feel it in my stomach.

c. Then, imagine you are in a warm, beautiful ocean and the soft, round swells are rising up and down. See this in your mind’s eye: See it, hear it, feel it, smell it, and taste it. Engage every sense to bring yourself into and onto the WAVE.

d. Now, instead of pushing the emotion away and distracting yourself as you usually would, allow the feeling to rise in you like the warm swell of a wave. Breathe in slowly as the tide rises, and out even slower as you drop down on the other side of the swell.

e. Stay in the WAVE for several breath cycles.  That might be four times or 10 times.  Stay as long as you can tolerate the feeling. The feeling will dissipate over time. Just notice it as it gradually decreases in intensity. Don’t judge the emotion, or beat yourself up about feeling it.  Read more in John Kabat Zinn’s book Mindfulness for Beginners to understand the power of the breath, and the power we have over how we choose to think.

f. I do this exercise when I am driving to an anxiety-provoking event. I sometimes, without warning get overwhelmed with emotion.  I’ll notice it and take the time right then to feel it full on and with regular practice that feeling’s emotional valence drops.

g. Now it’s time to Self Regulate or Mood State Change. Come back to the present – get out of the water and onto the beach. Let the emotion go and get into what’s happening around you. I do the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise. Turn on some music, take a walk, or finish driving to the meeting and:

SEE 5 things you haven’t noticed before (Beginner’s Mind concept)

Hear 4 things

Feel 3 things

Smell 2 things

Taste 1 things.

Where ever you are, enjoy this day for you only have one chance at experiencing today.  Happy trails, Allison

 

 

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Thoughts and Feelings: What’s the Difference? And, Why does it matter?

by

Our thoughts and feelings are commonly spoken of as one in the same.  The automatic nature of our thought patterns trip us right into feeling and then behaving in a chain reaction – like fashion.

For example, I’ll ask someone, “what is the negative thought you have about yourself in relation to that situation you are talking about?”  The person often replies, “well, I’m really frustrated and just want to forget about it.”  I reply, “you are frustrated. That’s a feeling.  What’s the thought about yourself that goes with that feeling?”  The person responds, “I’m an idiot for getting caught up in this situation again.”

Thought: I’m an idiot.

Feeling: I feel frustrated.

Behavior: I want to forget about it – avoid it.

Thoughts and feelings get all tangled up together like the messy ball of yarn entangling these Emotional Sherpas.

weavers-hoedown

Uncoupling or untangling thoughts from feelings

is the first step toward

thinking and feeling at the same time.

When we challenge our thoughts and change up our stories, we can then choose how to respond, which in turn offers us options as to how we behave.

In other words, stopping the Thought – Feeling – Behavior chain reaction of reaction.

Responding instead of reacting offers us choices. And, choices empower us to make our yes a yes, and our no, a no.

In the next couple of blogs, I’ll draw this concept out in more detail.

Until then, when you feel an emotion, try to identify any negative thoughts you might have about yourself in relation to the emotion.  And, as you come to realize how your thought patterns influence your feelings, and how your feelings cause you to react, you can choose to DERAIL the thought train track pattern. We can choose how we behave instead of following in a chain reaction – like fashion.

de-railed-pt-3

I hope this entices you to head down a new track. Let me know. Happy trails today, Allison

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I’ll Feel for You if you Think for Me

by

head-and-heart

It seems like a ‘no brainer’ doesn’t it? And, that it is.

Some of us work hard avoiding our full range of emotions. While others of us are guided by our emotions, and often depend on someone else to think for us. Both ways of walking in this world cause us problems. Can you see why?

The person who lives in his/her head and for years just won’t feel emotions like fear, anger, sadness, eventually gets anxious, not knowing what’s going on. Like a tea pot boiling inside, a person who avoids emotions  just allows a tiny whistle of tension to seep out of his/her spout.

The Emotional Molly or Max type of person is guided by his emotions. Drama ensues like the chicken screaming, “the sky is falling, the sky is falling.” In this case, a loved one or friend will jump in and rescue the “Emoter” type, because it’s easy to think for someone else who gives you that power.

Today’s blog is to create awareness about how you function.

Are you the Detached Dan/Dolly type who avoids strong emotions, even allowing a loved one to act emotions out for you?

Or, are you the Emotional Molly/Max type who’s emotions overwhelm you, and you turn to someone else hoping they will think for you?

There’s more to come in the next few posts about the HOW TOs  regarding Thinking and Feeling at the same time. Stay tuned.

Enjoy this day. It’s the only day that matters.  Happy Trails, Allison

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Anxiety: I’m a Little Tea Pot Short and Stout!

by

As many of us know, anxiety feels like being chased by a tiger. Our bodies are machines and don’t know the difference between a real threat versus a perceived threat. There may be no tiger chasing us, but our FIGHT, FLIGHT, or FREEZE response takes action the very same way.

Anxiety, fear, panic, and stress are degrees of the same feeling. Excitement is on that continuum as well. I’ve been skiing and felt excited, but at the same time, the ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling turn to fear, and then back again to the excitement. Do you know what I mean?

Our feelings (emotions) inform us. They also add depth, richness, and meaning to our lives. When we deny those emotions, anxiety ensues, much like this Tea Pot drawing (courtesy of Janie Hartmann).  Strong emotions boil and rumble just below the surface. Lucky there’s an escape route, or spout to let out low levels of emotions.

As the heat in the kettle rises (as life happens), those feelings boil over into uncomfortable levels of anxiety. When we keep the lid on trying hard to release controlled amounts of steam, it’s like being at Grandma’s house and hearing the Whistling Tea Pot in the Kitchen. The sound interrupts the conversation, and someone rushes to the kitchen to turn off the stove. The screaming whistle can only go on so long before it drives us crazy!

Holding in our emotions causes the same reaction. The kettle’s lid eventually blows off and those strong emotions get loose! Yikes! Over time our anxiety becomes palpable and spills over into our relationships. It affects our functioning and eventually wreaks havoc in our lives.

The ‘boil over’ shows up in the form of anger, a panic attack, or a delayed grief response. It’s easy to understand why some of us don’t dare feel those strong emotions. “What if I do cry now like I wanted to when Dad died a few years ago? I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop.”

When we avoid strong emotions and put on a happy face as if life is always rosy, we end up reacting to little things, rather than responding to what’s really important. Someone might say, ” What up? You’re usually chill about these kinds of things. Your anger seems a bit over the top for the situation.” And, it is. Because when we don’t allow ourselves to feel a range of emotions, we will hit our threshold, and go from 0 to 10 without warning.  That’s another discussion about how people with flexible boundaries need to add some tension to their fence lines. The equal amount of Flexion and Tension in our fences offers us choices as to how we respond to our thoughts and feelings.

Emotions are meant to be felt. If we take heed and feel the feeling rather than intellectualize it or run from it, we can respond to our feelings, rather then react to them. A sign of good emotional health is having the ability to think and feel at the same time. Uncoupling our thoughts from our feelings breaks the chain reaction of reacting to an experience rather than choosing a more honorable response.

So what Tips from the Trail can help us deal with our Whistling Tea Pots?

  1. First off, we have to become aware of our dysfunctional relationship patterns if we want to change them. This is the frustrating part. We want our friends or loved ones to change because obviously, it’s their problem. 🙂 We recognize the pattern and they can’t or aren’t ready to turn FaceTime toward themselves, own it, and choose new ways of relating. When someone avoids feeling for so long, it’s not easy for them to all of a sudden become aware and decide to change.
  2. If and when we do gain insight into our maladaptive relationship patterns and desire change, then we can slowly, over time, learn to tolerate these strong emotions. How?  Try this technique called Riding the Wave of Strong Emotions.

Ride the Wave (learn more about emotional surfing @ http://www.mindfulexposurebook.com/).

You can do this anywhere. Just remember to keep your eyes open if you are driving. 🙂

a. When an uncomfortable emotion shows up, notice it, name it, and talk to yourself about it.  For example, “Ah, there’s that fear again. Stay present, Allison. No tiger is chasing you. It is a perceived threat. You can handle this.”

b. Notice where it shows up in your body. I feel it in my stomach.

c. Then, imagine you are in a warm, beautiful ocean and the soft, round swells are rising up and down. See this in your mind’s eye: See it, hear it, feel it, smell it, and taste it. Engage every sense to bring yourself into and onto the WAVE.

d. Now, instead of pushing the emotion away and distracting yourself as you usually would, allow the feeling to rise in you like the warm swell of a wave. Breathe in slowly as the tide rises, and out even slower as you drop down on the other side of the swell.

e. Stay in the WAVE for several breath cycles.  That might be four times or 10 times.  Stay as long as you can tolerate the feeling. The feeling will dissipate over time. Just notice it as it gradually decreases in intensity. Don’t judge the emotion, or beat yourself up about feeling it.  Read more in John Kabat Zinn’s book Mindfulness for Beginners to understand the power of the breath, and the power we have over how we choose to think.

f. I do this exercise when I am driving to an anxiety-provoking event. I sometimes, without warning get overwhelmed with emotion.  I’ll notice it and take the time right then to feel it full on and with regular practice that feeling’s emotional valence drops.

g. Now it’s time to Self Regulate or Mood State Change. Come back to the present – get out of the water and onto the beach. Let the emotion go and get into what’s happening around you. I do the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise. Turn on some music, take a walk, or finish driving to the meeting and:

SEE 5 things you haven’t noticed before (Beginner’s Mind concept)

Hear 4 things

Feel 3 things

Smell 2 things

Taste 1 things.

Where ever you are, enjoy this day for you only have one chance at experiencing today.  Happy trails, Allison

 

 

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Detached Don/Dolly revealed!

by

Detached Don and Emotional Emily

Being a Detached Don/Dolly is not about being good or bad,

it’s about describing a particular relationship pattern many of us learned from our early years.  That type of relationship pattern, for some of us, isn’t working anymore. It probably worked  well during our childhood years. As we mature, leave our family of origin and join with a partner, those same relationship patterns don’t serve us any longer.  We marry or partner with another person who comes to the relationship with their own family of origin baggage, and the 2 “sets of luggage” don’t match. Friction ensues, and conflict arises.

Detached Don/Dolly start feeling more and more anxious, and over time their way of relating causes more distress within their closest circles.  “Why is this happening? I’m the same guy. I haven’t changed at bit.”  And, there’s the crux of it.  When you do the same thing, you get the same results.  In the case of a Detached Partner, the relationship dynamic isn’t sustainable. Of course, it’ll last as long as the discontent partner wants it to. Often, the cognitive dissonance that develops makes it impossible to keep stepping the same steps.

Now don’t get me wrong, if you like your relationship dance as is, and are content with your quality of life, then stop reading and happy trails to you and yours!

For those who resonate with this metaphor and want to change up the dance, here are some TIPS from the TRAIL to get you started:

  1. Awareness is the first step. Having that light bulb moment when you actually ‘get it’ and clearly see your part in the family dance is huge. What do you do with it?  If you have some inkling about how you function in your main relationships, and want to make a change, contact a therapist. Self help is great. Facilitation through this kind of self discovery is often better.
  2. Notice when you THINK for others. Just notice the pattern in a non judgmental way. When you are making changes, being kind to yourself is paramount. The world will beat on you, don’t join in flogging yourself as well.  Our self -talk is powerful. Try saying, ” interesting. I put my thinking cap on others.” Kindly, just notice.
  3.  When you do start in on solving someone’s problems, or jump into the drama to make it all better, pause and ponder. Then, instead of doing the thinking for the other person, listen reflectively (parroting back what they just said).  Once they’ve shared their story, recall to them how they’ve successfully dealt with crisis in the past, and encourage them to do it again. Reinforce their problem solving skills, and encourage them to use those skills versus you doing it for them.
  4. Mantra of the week: ‘I can’t do anyone’s journey for them.’ As a parent myself, I would take a bullet for my kids. Yet, I’m not doing them any favors saving them from pain and suffering. We all have to fall and fail, and learn to get up and do it again. That’s life. We  learn our lessons at different times and in our own ways. That is, if our loved ones don’t get in the way of our journeys. Allow your loved ones to live and learn.

Enjoy your this day. See it, hear it, feel it, smell it, and taste it.

Happy trails, Allison

 

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