Trailtalk

Trailtalk

Anxiety

Emotional Texting: STOP THE DRAMA!

by

OMG!  “What did they mean by that? What do you think they are saying?”  “Why did they wait a day and a half to say this?”

Here are a few ideas about that unsatisfying text message you just read:

  1. They can’t spell.
  2. They don’t edit predictive texting.
  3. They’re watching football.
  4. They can’t, or don’t want to wax on eloquently like in romance novels.
  5. They missed the memo on how to send pithy, loving, and validating text statements.
  6. They are not mind-readers and wrote the text before pondering the meaning of life.
  7. The text came in at the same time they walked into a meeting or was posting the best photo ever on Instagram!

Here are a few ideas about what many think the person meant:

  1. They feel loved and validated by words of affirmation. Many of us feel loved when we are told nice things about ourselves. See Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages.
  2. Their emotions guide their decision making, and the person fills in the blanks when they don’t have all the facts.
  3. The person lives in their head (those are the intellectual types) and they are overthinking the meaning of the text. Many of us look for reasons to not trust because we fear being hurt. Before we open up our heart to the chance of being hurt, we nip it in the bud.
  4. They are triggered by messages suggesting they are, not good enough, not smart enough, or are unlovable. Texting is like being fed crumbs of food. Like the plant named Aubrey 2 in Little Shop of Horrors, many of us need more and more and more, and it’s often exhausting for our partners when we want daily feedings of affirmation via text messaging all through the day.

Here’s the deal –   Emotional texting is a bad idea.

I’m not saying anything about good or bad ways of loving and living. I’m not judging anyone who needs words of affirmation. It happens to be one of my primary love languages.

What I am suggesting is emotional texting is akin to being fed crumbs when we’re starving.  Like in the movie Little Shop of Horrors, Aubrey 2 is insatiable!

“Feed me, Seymore, feed me all night long!

It’s hard to consistently affirm someone via text. Words alone just don’t work for those of us who read between the lines.  For some of us, words need to be accompanied by inflections and tones in our voices, and facial expressions. It’s about how we turn toward our partners and physically connect with them. Those crucial body cues, combined with words, is what feeds many of our souls.

So, what do we do about it? Here’s a Tip from the Trail encouraging us to open up a dialogue about how, and when we text each other.

When you first start a relationship, discuss your texting habits, and develop mutually agreed upon texting ground rules.

  • Come to an understanding about compartmentalizing your love life and work life. When you are at work, you are working and do not emotionally engage. Discuss respecting each other’s boundaries. It’s not about not loving each other, it’s about moving through our busy days, and not always having to work out emotional content at inappropriate times.
  • Consider not texting during work hours except for an agreed-upon, midday text of an emoji, or an “I love you” statement.  Talk about what those little emojis mean to each of you. Some guys hate them. Some women hate the emoji with the tongue hanging out. Sounds stupid, but these things matter to many of us. Discuss what works for you and what doesn’t, connect, and get back to work.

I hope this helps save a few relationships or start a new relationship with a clearer understanding of how texting can create unnecessary drama between two, well-meaning people.

Happy trails to you today,

Allison

Anxiety: I’m a Little Tea Pot Short and Stout!

by

As many of us know, anxiety feels like being chased by a tiger. Our bodies are machines and don’t know the difference between a real threat versus a perceived threat. There may be no tiger chasing us, but our FIGHT, FLIGHT, or FREEZE response takes action the very same way.

Anxiety, fear, panic, and stress are degrees of the same feeling. Excitement is on that continuum as well. I’ve been skiing and felt excited, but at the same time, the ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling turn to fear, and then back again to the excitement. Do you know what I mean?

Our feelings (emotions) inform us. They also add depth, richness, and meaning to our lives. When we deny those emotions, anxiety ensues, much like this Tea Pot drawing (courtesy of Janie Hartmann).  Strong emotions boil and rumble just below the surface. Lucky there’s an escape route, or spout to let out low levels of emotions.

As the heat in the kettle rises (as life happens), those feelings boil over into uncomfortable levels of anxiety. When we keep the lid on trying hard to release controlled amounts of steam, it’s like being at Grandma’s house and hearing the Whistling Tea Pot in the Kitchen. The sound interrupts the conversation, and someone rushes to the kitchen to turn off the stove. The screaming whistle can only go on so long before it drives us crazy!

Holding in our emotions causes the same reaction. The kettle’s lid eventually blows off and those strong emotions get loose! Yikes! Over time our anxiety becomes palpable and spills over into our relationships. It affects our functioning and eventually wreaks havoc in our lives.

The ‘boil over’ shows up in the form of anger, a panic attack, or a delayed grief response. It’s easy to understand why some of us don’t dare feel those strong emotions. “What if I do cry now like I wanted to when Dad died a few years ago? I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop.”

When we avoid strong emotions and put on a happy face as if life is always rosy, we end up reacting to little things, rather than responding to what’s really important. Someone might say, ” What up? You’re usually chill about these kinds of things. Your anger seems a bit over the top for the situation.” And, it is. Because when we don’t allow ourselves to feel a range of emotions, we will hit our threshold, and go from 0 to 10 without warning.  That’s another discussion about how people with flexible boundaries need to add some tension to their fence lines. The equal amount of Flexion and Tension in our fences offers us choices as to how we respond to our thoughts and feelings.

Emotions are meant to be felt. If we take heed and feel the feeling rather than intellectualize it or run from it, we can respond to our feelings, rather then react to them. A sign of good emotional health is having the ability to think and feel at the same time. Uncoupling our thoughts from our feelings breaks the chain reaction of reacting to an experience rather than choosing a more honorable response.

So what Tips from the Trail can help us deal with our Whistling Tea Pots?

  1. First off, we have to become aware of our dysfunctional relationship patterns if we want to change them. This is the frustrating part. We want our friends or loved ones to change because obviously, it’s their problem. 🙂 We recognize the pattern and they can’t or aren’t ready to turn FaceTime toward themselves, own it, and choose new ways of relating. When someone avoids feeling for so long, it’s not easy for them to all of a sudden become aware and decide to change.
  2. If and when we do gain insight into our maladaptive relationship patterns and desire change, then we can slowly, over time, learn to tolerate these strong emotions. How?  Try this technique called Riding the Wave of Strong Emotions.

Ride the Wave (learn more about emotional surfing @ http://www.mindfulexposurebook.com/).

You can do this anywhere. Just remember to keep your eyes open if you are driving. 🙂

a. When an uncomfortable emotion shows up, notice it, name it, and talk to yourself about it.  For example, “Ah, there’s that fear again. Stay present, Allison. No tiger is chasing you. It is a perceived threat. You can handle this.”

b. Notice where it shows up in your body. I feel it in my stomach.

c. Then, imagine you are in a warm, beautiful ocean and the soft, round swells are rising up and down. See this in your mind’s eye: See it, hear it, feel it, smell it, and taste it. Engage every sense to bring yourself into and onto the WAVE.

d. Now, instead of pushing the emotion away and distracting yourself as you usually would, allow the feeling to rise in you like the warm swell of a wave. Breathe in slowly as the tide rises, and out even slower as you drop down on the other side of the swell.

e. Stay in the WAVE for several breath cycles.  That might be four times or 10 times.  Stay as long as you can tolerate the feeling. The feeling will dissipate over time. Just notice it as it gradually decreases in intensity. Don’t judge the emotion, or beat yourself up about feeling it.  Read more in John Kabat Zinn’s book Mindfulness for Beginners to understand the power of the breath, and the power we have over how we choose to think.

f. I do this exercise when I am driving to an anxiety-provoking event. I sometimes, without warning get overwhelmed with emotion.  I’ll notice it and take the time right then to feel it full on and with regular practice that feeling’s emotional valence drops.

g. Now it’s time to Self Regulate or Mood State Change. Come back to the present – get out of the water and onto the beach. Let the emotion go and get into what’s happening around you. I do the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise. Turn on some music, take a walk, or finish driving to the meeting and:

SEE 5 things you haven’t noticed before (Beginner’s Mind concept)

Hear 4 things

Feel 3 things

Smell 2 things

Taste 1 things.

Where ever you are, enjoy this day for you only have one chance at experiencing today.  Happy trails, Allison

 

 

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Self Hatred: Stuck in a Story

by

 

What’s your story line? What do you tell yourself about yourself?  That’s the story I’m talking about. It’s our narrative.

It’s our Self Talk, the ongoing commentary we’ve grown to believe, and automatically trip into when we get triggered.

thoughts-to-feelings-to-behaviors-2-300x278

CBT = Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The track runs in both directions.

This diagram shows how our thought patterns (actual neuropathways in our brains) cause a chain (train) reaction. We think, for example, “I look Stupid.” We feel judged, anxious, even angry. The thought and the resulting feeling then cause us to behave in a certain way. Or rather, REACT in an automatic chain reaction  Some of us react by self mediating with food, alcohol, pot, porn, gambling, or excessive exercise. You name your drug of choice. Others just pretend it ain’t happening, and go into an automatic avoidance pattern. These thought patterns are embedded in our neural circuitry.

Thus, automatic REACTions.

Many of us have been telling ourselves these stories since we were little kids. As we develop our sense of selves, we internalize messages. Our parents, teachers, coaches, and other significant people in our lives ( the Family in the Head) model behaviors, or say things we, as young children and teens, take to heart. This is not a BLAME GAME. It’s just reality. Our past informs our present. And, the stories about ourselves become who we are. Some are good and some are not so healthy.

Take for example the young boy who’s constantly told, ” you are a bad boy. Go to the office. Go to your room. You are too slow, too fast, too this, too that…..” Over time, that boy decides he’s a bad boy. If he hasn’t figured out, or been validated to be a good boy and  get attention and love that way, he might decide, “well, I guess I am a bad boy. I might as well go for it.” Any attention is better than no attention, right? A simplified example, but I hope it’s useful for you to contemplate your story lines.

Many of us developed what’s called a FALSE SELF. We think we aren’t OK the way we are, so we start acting and making chooses based on what we think our most important caregivers want. We seek after approval, love and attention, and create a self that will ensure a steady diet of love and affection. Make sense? Dr. Riggio coins it in his Psychology Today blog, being like a Chameleon. We change based on who we are with and what they think and feel.

These patterns often work well for us as children.  We have a family of origin dance we’re familiar with.  The tough part is the same dance (patterns of relating to others based on what we believe about ourselves, our stories) often doesn’t serve us well when we move into adulthood, and start dancing the same relational dance with others who didn’t learn the same dance as us!! Yikes!

This is so depressing! I am going to just tell myself the same familiar stories and move on with my day. Well, if we are happy, functional, and your relationships are working, keep on keeping on.

If, on the other hand, you are not content with your life and your relationships, and you’re not functioning as your best and TRUE self, it’s time to change-up your Self Talk.  You can learn how to respond instead of react. Albert Einstein said, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” And, once you start choosing what you think about, you will feel differently, and respond rather than react in an automatic pattern.

Today’s TIPS FROM THE TRAIL:

  • First, we have to become aware of those automatic thoughts. Listen to your SELF Talk. What are you telling yourself? How do you speak to yourself?
  • Once you recognize the less than honorable thought patterns, notice how you feel inside. Where in your body do you feel the anxiety, fear, anger?  See if you can differentiate your thoughts from your feelings.
  • The hard part for many of us is doing it in a kind way!  Our self talk is often self-deprecating. ” You idiot. You did it again!” See if you can just notice, “there I go again. Wow, I didn’t know I told myself how stupid I was so often.”
  • Challenge your Self Talk – use the tool STOPP you learned in a previous post. 
    • Stop and Slow it done.
    • Take a deep breath – in for 4 and out for 4.
    • Observe what you are thinking about and what it feels like. Where are you feeling it in your body. Connect with your body. Many of us never do this. It’s how we are going to learn to UN- couple thoughts from feelings.
    • Pull Back. Get a panoramic view of what you’re thinking about. Can you see it from another perspective? Do you have all the facts? Is what you are thinking even true? Challenge any errors in your thought process
    • Practice. Practice and practice. We have to derail those negative thought tracks and replace them with more functional tracks.

de-railed-pt-3-300x260-1

Let me know if this makes sense to you. Thanks in advance for your feedback.

Until next time, happy trails to you and yours,  Allison

Anxiety: I’m a Little Tea Pot Short and Stout!

by

As many of us know, anxiety feels like being chased by a tiger. Our bodies are machines and don’t know the difference between a real threat versus a perceived threat. There may be no tiger chasing us, but our FIGHT, FLIGHT, or FREEZE response takes action the very same way.

Anxiety, fear, panic, and stress are degrees of the same feeling. Excitement is on that continuum as well. I’ve been skiing and felt excited, but at the same time, the ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling turn to fear, and then back again to the excitement. Do you know what I mean?

Our feelings (emotions) inform us. They also add depth, richness, and meaning to our lives. When we deny those emotions, anxiety ensues, much like this Tea Pot drawing (courtesy of Janie Hartmann).  Strong emotions boil and rumble just below the surface. Lucky there’s an escape route, or spout to let out low levels of emotions.

As the heat in the kettle rises (as life happens), those feelings boil over into uncomfortable levels of anxiety. When we keep the lid on trying hard to release controlled amounts of steam, it’s like being at Grandma’s house and hearing the Whistling Tea Pot in the Kitchen. The sound interrupts the conversation, and someone rushes to the kitchen to turn off the stove. The screaming whistle can only go on so long before it drives us crazy!

Holding in our emotions causes the same reaction. The kettle’s lid eventually blows off and those strong emotions get loose! Yikes! Over time our anxiety becomes palpable and spills over into our relationships. It affects our functioning and eventually wreaks havoc in our lives.

The ‘boil over’ shows up in the form of anger, a panic attack, or a delayed grief response. It’s easy to understand why some of us don’t dare feel those strong emotions. “What if I do cry now like I wanted to when Dad died a few years ago? I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop.”

When we avoid strong emotions and put on a happy face as if life is always rosy, we end up reacting to little things, rather than responding to what’s really important. Someone might say, ” What up? You’re usually chill about these kinds of things. Your anger seems a bit over the top for the situation.” And, it is. Because when we don’t allow ourselves to feel a range of emotions, we will hit our threshold, and go from 0 to 10 without warning.  That’s another discussion about how people with flexible boundaries need to add some tension to their fence lines. The equal amount of Flexion and Tension in our fences offers us choices as to how we respond to our thoughts and feelings.

Emotions are meant to be felt. If we take heed and feel the feeling rather than intellectualize it or run from it, we can respond to our feelings, rather then react to them. A sign of good emotional health is having the ability to think and feel at the same time. Uncoupling our thoughts from our feelings breaks the chain reaction of reacting to an experience rather than choosing a more honorable response.

So what Tips from the Trail can help us deal with our Whistling Tea Pots?

  1. First off, we have to become aware of our dysfunctional relationship patterns if we want to change them. This is the frustrating part. We want our friends or loved ones to change because obviously, it’s their problem. 🙂 We recognize the pattern and they can’t or aren’t ready to turn FaceTime toward themselves, own it, and choose new ways of relating. When someone avoids feeling for so long, it’s not easy for them to all of a sudden become aware and decide to change.
  2. If and when we do gain insight into our maladaptive relationship patterns and desire change, then we can slowly, over time, learn to tolerate these strong emotions. How?  Try this technique called Riding the Wave of Strong Emotions.

Ride the Wave (learn more about emotional surfing @ http://www.mindfulexposurebook.com/).

You can do this anywhere. Just remember to keep your eyes open if you are driving. 🙂

a. When an uncomfortable emotion shows up, notice it, name it, and talk to yourself about it.  For example, “Ah, there’s that fear again. Stay present, Allison. No tiger is chasing you. It is a perceived threat. You can handle this.”

b. Notice where it shows up in your body. I feel it in my stomach.

c. Then, imagine you are in a warm, beautiful ocean and the soft, round swells are rising up and down. See this in your mind’s eye: See it, hear it, feel it, smell it, and taste it. Engage every sense to bring yourself into and onto the WAVE.

d. Now, instead of pushing the emotion away and distracting yourself as you usually would, allow the feeling to rise in you like the warm swell of a wave. Breathe in slowly as the tide rises, and out even slower as you drop down on the other side of the swell.

e. Stay in the WAVE for several breath cycles.  That might be four times or 10 times.  Stay as long as you can tolerate the feeling. The feeling will dissipate over time. Just notice it as it gradually decreases in intensity. Don’t judge the emotion, or beat yourself up about feeling it.  Read more in John Kabat Zinn’s book Mindfulness for Beginners to understand the power of the breath, and the power we have over how we choose to think.

f. I do this exercise when I am driving to an anxiety-provoking event. I sometimes, without warning get overwhelmed with emotion.  I’ll notice it and take the time right then to feel it full on and with regular practice that feeling’s emotional valence drops.

g. Now it’s time to Self Regulate or Mood State Change. Come back to the present – get out of the water and onto the beach. Let the emotion go and get into what’s happening around you. I do the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise. Turn on some music, take a walk, or finish driving to the meeting and:

SEE 5 things you haven’t noticed before (Beginner’s Mind concept)

Hear 4 things

Feel 3 things

Smell 2 things

Taste 1 things.

Where ever you are, enjoy this day for you only have one chance at experiencing today.  Happy trails, Allison

 

 

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Got Hang ups?

by

Got Hang Ups?

Tim Peckham is making light of what many call, ” first world problems.” All jokes aside, most of our hang-ups come, and then they go. But for some of us, our hang-ups are like waves in the ocean, rising and relenting, but seldom receding completely. By hang-ups I’m talking about everything from; daily stressors like your teen dissing you for breathing, to being cut off by a road rager, to suffering from anxiety, fear, or an inner voice telling you you’re a loser, or stupid, to traumatic life events like losing a loved one, getting divorced, or hearing a scary medical diagnosis.

It’s about being human.  Non of us are immune. And yes, we live in the USA and these are first world problems. That does not mean they aren’t real. Many are traumatic, and all are painful. The human condition includes suffering regardless of where you live, how much money you make, or how resilient you are.

And, it’s not just about “bucking up” and dealing with it. Bucking up is important, but not the complete story. It’s a combination of feeling and thinking at the same time.  It’s riding these daily stressors and larger life events like a wave, and at the same time self regulating, or mood state changing (AKA bucking up) in order to function throughout your day. That duality is not an easy task for many of us. Feel and think at the same time? I do already, some say. Or, what does that mean?

I’m going to write a series about feeling and thinking at the same time. Until then, here are a few Tips from the Trail to keep you keepin’ on.

1. Make a point of belly laughing every day. That’s a deep, wet your pants kind of laugh. Some adults forgot how to laugh hard, and laugh at ourselves. In a kind way of course. Watch Chris Flemming’s video here about a crazed woman needing her house “company ready.” If you can’t laugh at this, call me.

2. When a strong emotion like fear, anxiety, anger, or sadness over comes you during the day, ride it like a wave.

Step one: Notice where you feel it in your body. Take a few slow, deep breaths and just notice it.

Step two: Kindly say to yourself, “this is a perceived threat. I am safe. No tiger is chasing me.”

Step three: In your mind’s eye, envelop the emotion in a balloon or cloud, and watch it float away. Keep your eyes open if you’re driving. :-).

Step four: Visualize yourself in a warm ocean riding a swell of a wave – it rises and relents just like your slow, deep breaths you continue taking.

Step five: Keep this up while you feel the emotion as long as you can tolerate it, and then look at your watch and say, ” OK, time to self regulate. time to compartmentalize this feeling and carry on.”

Step six: Go to your calm place if you know what I mean, listen to a funny podcast, watch a SNL skit, call a friend and offer an encouraging word, or do some other random act of kindness.

Now take on the day as if it’s your last.      Life is daily.     Enjoy this one.

Happy trails to you and yours, Allison.

Can’t Keep it Together?

by

 

Be kind to yourself. Recognize that this is who you are and enjoy the ride. When you find yourself scattered, STOPP and regroup. Refer back to the blogs that discuss easy mindfulness meditation techniques.

Try this method of staying focused on project completion.

– Choose 4 tasks, or projects

– Set your phone timer for 5 minutes

– Work on project 1 for 5 minutes.  When the timer goes off, stop and move to project 2.  Work on project 2 for 5 minutes. Continue with this pattern for projects 3 and 4.

– After the first cycle has finished, increase the time allotment for each project to 10 minutes. The idea is to stop exactly when the timer goes off and move onto the next project without wasting time.

– Continue to increase the time allotment by 5 minute increments for each cycle.

This method helps you get focused on each task. Self imposed time limits keep you from going on tangents while you work.

Seek therapy if you are experiencing anxiety, which may be interfering with your daily activities. Sometimes we need support to get ourselves back on track.

Follow up with an excellent journal discussing more time management skill building tools.

Now, go on and take on the day; one project at a time!

Happy trails, Allison