Trailogy of the Emotional Sherpa

Music

Does music speak to you?

Are you the kind of person who needs music to survive?

Tell me about your use of music.

Today’s Tips from the Trail:

1. Create a positive play list. Use it when you need to “self regulate” or change your mood.  All through the day we attempt to self regulate and move ourselves back to our baseline content space. That’s not easy for everyone.
2. When you find yourself anxious, sad, or angry: consider what you are reading, watching, or listening to. Then:
3. STOPP – remember this? When you are feeling emotional and need to get back to your day-to-day responsibilities:

S = Literally stop in your tracks or notice what’s taking up the real estate in your head and,

T = Take a deep breath – several slow in for 4, pause at the top for 4, out for 4, pause at the bottom for 4.  Get your heart rate down to decrease the emotional valance.

O = Observe what you are thinking about. What is causing you distress? When we take a few moments the issue might not be the immediate irritant. It could be something triggering you from long ago.

P = Pan out like your are looking at your emotion with a panoramic lens. What’s the big picture here? Is there another way of looking at this? What would you tell a friend if he came to you with this same emotional concern? Do you have all the facts?  Most of the thoughts in our heads are made up – they haven’t even happened yet. Ask yourself if you have enough information to get your panties in a wad.

P = Practice. Self regulating takes practice. It’s easy to grab a cigarette, or glass of wine, or other less healthy mood enhancing tool.  Accessing mindfulness or other behavioral tools takes practice. Yet, once your toolbox is full, these mood enhancers are very effective, and have less of a chance of creating negative consequences!

So there you have it. Music can be one of those tools.

Just note if you tend to get stuck in melancholy music for too long, it has a way of leading you into a dark mood state. If you are the type to get down, change-up that playlist, STOPP and regroup.

Bye for now. Stay on the path. Happy trails, Allison

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FOMO – Fear of Missing Out

Here’s another addiction I’ve been struggling with for about 30 years now. It’s been a hard one for me since I’m an adult-onset athlete. Historically, I’ve been the slowest skier in my group. After years of practice, I got myself closer to the middle of the pack on a powder day. Sometimes. 🙂

Powder cravings are overwhelmingly strong some years and less intense other seasons. It’s actually the fear of missing out (FOMO) on a powder day that is worse than actually missing a powder day. It’s the stories told by other FOMO’s like, “I am not kidding. You missed the best powder day ever!” It’s a ski town thing, and I got bit by the powder bug really badly. I know many of you can relate. If it’s not powder, it’s the best concert you just can’t miss, or a new toy, or a social event everyone you know is attending, or an epic vacation. You know what I mean.

I gave up the fear of missing a powder day just this year. To be honest, Easter. I gave up the fear, not my love of powder skiing. It’s the fear that keeps the craving going. So how did I do it? The first step was becoming aware of my fear.  Next, involved renouncing (that’s where therapy comes in) the pattern, and finally, it’s about rebuilding new ways to enjoy my daily moments whether I’m skiing powder, or doing something less exciting. I used to say to my kids, “bloom where you’re planted.” Mary Engelbreit coined that phrase. Easier said than done. It doesn’t happen overnight. Like planting a seed, it requires a desire to grow something, time and attention.

The FOMO phenomena become problematic when it affects our functioning. When something we are into (social media, exercise, gaming, sports, etc.) starts impacting our relationships, our health, or our ability to find joy and contentment in our daily lives, that’s a problem needing attention.

One FOMO area is a subtle, socially accepted type of addiction. Or, maybe it’s an obsession or a method to keep our negative self-image intact. It’s the addiction to social media.

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc. are great ways to stay in touch and informed. These electronic platforms are also double-edged swords. Facebook, for example, can quickly cause feelings of insecurity. “OMG, she went to that concert, or to Mexico again?” Or, “He’s out with her?.” Or worse, “why wasn’t I invited?”

Basically, the thought is, “my life sucks.”  Start that thought process first thing in the morning and guess what? You will find evidence to prove your life sucks. It’s a negative downward spiral. Just like recreational drugs. They are fun at first, but then they turn on you. A social media obsession draws us in, comparing ourselves with others, stalking friends and family members, and finding evidence we aren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or rich enough. I hate to break it to you, but you aren’t. There is always someone out there, somewhere who is all that and more. Just sayin….

So if you have the FOMO thing going on, how do you break the habit? How do you get off the hamster wheel of missing out?

Social media is captivating, insidiously toxic, and at the same time, absolutely necessary. It’s here to stay. It’s up to us how to control its power over us.

Here are some Tips from the Trail to begin the weaning process:

1. Identify what happens when you read or look at certain forms of media. Notice where you feel it in your body.  Making a connection between how you think and feel is important. See STOPP in another blog for more help in this area.
2. Change up how you start your day. Get into the habit of thinking up 3 things you are grateful for as you get out of bed.  Don’t go to your computer to find out what everyone’s up to. Check out more about how to use gratitude here at Happify Daily.
3. Establish a family routine around turning off all social media devices during dinner, and in the evening.
4. Remember, just because we get a text or an email doesn’t mean we have to respond immediately. Discuss how you are setting boundaries around your phone use. For instance, letting friends know you won’t be emotionally texting anymore. If you don’t know what that means, read my prior blog about the problems with emotional texting here.

The social media FOMO bug is a hard one to break. Like most things, it takes a desire to change, and a plan of action. Get help with this issue if you can’t do it on your own.

Time to take on the day. It’s the only one we have right now. Happy trails, Allison

 

Allison needs to Unplug

I’m checking a text on my IPhone, looking at measurement outcomes on a mini IPad, scheduling appointments on a Macbook Air, and learning how to use a Surface drawing thingamajig all at the same time. And, when the internet goes down, which it frequently does, I revert back to the easiest method of all, pen and paper. My business is dependent on technology. At the same time, I get enslaved and slowed down with the same technology that’s supposed to improve my efficiency. Like most everything else, too much of a good thing is not so good.

So I’m unplugging most of my devices on May 14th. I won’t be checking email. I won’t be texting. I won’t access social media. I will be listening to music, taking photos, and doing a few videos while on the El Camino. I am bringing my IPhone. Many seasoned El Camino Pilgrims suggest leaving your phone at home. That’s a hard one for me.

Could I be addicted? Ya, I am addicted to my phone, and to a few other things I’m sure will identify themselves along The Way. That’s the inner journey part of this 35 day walk across Spain. I’m going to face my addictions to material things when my back is screaming, ” get rid of some f#%&%ing weight Allison.”

The weight I need to rid myself of is both physical and emotional. I, like many of you reading this right now, carry excess baggage. Shedding baggage is a personal process, and each one of us has our own unique time frame to make it happen. Sometimes we don’t dare drop our excess because we don’t know how to do life any other way. There’s often a secondary gain (read more here)  trying to do another person’s journey for them.

I am an Emotional Sherpa® myself.  “Is that so?”  :-). Tell me a nurse who isn’t. Well, I take that back. Nurse Ratched is a devil in a nurse’s uniform. I’ve digressed. Another problem I have. Yikes! Back to unplugging.

I’ve unplugged for a week every year for the last 5 years. I mean really unplugged. No phone, no email, nothing but being in the present moment. No parallel play going on ever. Thirty five days is another story. So, I’m bringing my phone. I plan to blog along the way. If you don’t hear from me, it’s probably because I’m facing my addiction, or lost it (hopefully my phone, not my mind).

The Tip from the Trail today is:  Consider the baggage you need or want to shed. Awareness is the first step of making it happen.

Happy trails to you and yours, Allison

Preparing for a 35 day walk across Spain

I came up with the idea to walk the El Camino several years ago. My original plan was to walk the El Camino in 2016 as my warm up walk for walking the Appalachian Trail in 2018. Yes, I am a bit grandiose. The double edge sword for me is, when I get an idea stuck in my head it happens. I’ve got this tenacity about me that won’t quit! On one hand, that tenacity has served me well. On the other hand, any rational person jumps ship when I wait until I’m just about to drown. I’m still learning giving up isn’t failure. It’s having the wisdom to know when to change trajectories. This life lesson is taking me a long time to reconcile. I’m still working on it.

So, here I am a month away from starting a 500 mile trek across Spain. It cracks me up that I considered this a work out to get ready for the Appalachian trail.  You know what? I’m scared to death! I’m scared I can’t walk 14 to 16 miles a day for 35 days. Anyone who knows me has no doubt I am physically capable of walking the El Camino. I, on the other hand, have spent most of my adult life trying to keep up with athletes. I call myself an “adult onset” athlete. I ran my first mile at age 23. I learned to ski, bike, and hike after finishing college. The negative message in my head is, “I’m slow. I can’t keep up.” The fear is finding out it’s true.

Well, guess what? Just like Ben Howard repeats in his song The Fear, I will become what I deserve.  If I hang on to the narrative “I can’t keep up,” I will become what I deserve.  My El Camino (the inner journey) is about changing up that narrative. “I can keep up.” “I am keeping up.”

My El Camino is not an athletic pursuit. It’s so much more. Yes, it will help in my preparation to walk the Appalachian trail in 2018, but it’s not at all what I signed up for when I came up with this great idea. For the next 4 weeks, I’m going to lay out some funny, some sad, and some conflicting narrative about what the El Camino is teaching me in advance of my first step out of St. Jean Pied de Port.

I hope my journey, in some way, enriches yours.  Stayed tuned.  Happy trails, Allison

Rocketman and the Traveling Wannabes

The Traveling Wannabes spend their thought life remembering and reworking their past, or anticipating their future. It’s a bankrupt situation since all those time traveling thoughts aren’t even real! We can’t go back and fix our past. It’s over and meant to be left behind. Our future hasn’t happened yet, so our future time travel is fiction.

What we fear lies in life’s end zones. It’s only in Football where winning takes place in the end zones. Real life happens in the middle of the field, in the present.

So how do we stay in the middle of our fields? How do we stop our minds from time traveling?

Here’ the caveat. Our Prefrontal Cortex (thinking brain) is meant to think. It can’t be turned off. We can’t stop our thoughts. We can settle them down. We can choose our thoughts.

Here are a few TIPs from the Rocketman  to stay in the middle of our field of life:

1. Notice (in a nonjudgmental, kind way) when you are time traveling. For example, I often find myself spaced out during a walk. I’m busy planning for a trip, or worried about an upcoming event. So here’s what I do: I talk to myself. I say, “Come back Allison. Notice this moment. Be in this moment.” I return to the here and now, and tap into my senses. I play the 5, 4, 3 ,2, 1 present moment game and slow my breathing.
2. Make note of your thought patterns. I call them thought train tracks. Where do your tracks travel? Do you travel to a particular worry?  Or, does your train track wander into the past? These thought tracks are embedded in our brains.  These neural pathways are deeply ingrained.  We travel them over and over. If you want to change up your life, you have to change up the thought train tracks.
3. Once you notice your thought track routes, you have a choice to derail the track and switch the direction. It takes pulling the handle again, and again, and again. Recognize, choose a new thought track (back into the present), and re-frame your thinking.
4. Pick a daily mantra to remind you to come back to the present moment. “Come back.” “Return to Earth.” ” Fear resides in the past and in the future. All is well right here, right now.“

Now take on the day with a passion.   Happy trails, Allison

 

After a long day of playing 5,4,3,2,1 ( game details to follow) and listening to some great tunes, the Emotional Sherpa walks into a clearing and catches sight of three people tangled up in what appears to be blue twine. He moves closer, hears some music and then it registers, they are dancing. He’s heard of interpretative dancing and synchronized swimming, but this scene takes the cake. Perplexed and dog tired, the Sherpa sits down on an inviting looking log and takes off his pack. From out of no where, a dude in a rocket man suit who’s carrying what looks to be a plank and wheel approaches, and shouts out, “we have a visitor! Welcome to the Village of Weaver’s Annual Hoedown.” The Sherpa thinks it must be a costume party, or a Rainbow People event. He is, as you know in the middle of a forest! The Rocket man asks, “Where do you hail from Mr. Heavy Ladened?” The Emotional Sherpa chuckles, “do I look like some kind of Sherpa? I’m from right here, right now. And, for the record, my rucksack is not that heavy anymore.”  “That’s hysterical,” replies the oddly dressed fellow now surfing on his wooden toy. “I’m not following you,” responds the Sherpa. “You will over time. Solo sojourners move in and out, back and forth, and pretty much turn upside down, and inside out to get to where they want to go,” replies the Rocket man. Sherpa ponders this last statement and asks, “so what’s your gig? I’m not quite getting the suit and board thing.” RM (aka Rocket man) demonstrates his balancing skills as he explains to the Emotional Sherpa how he got to where he is right here, and right now on his life journey. The Sherpa and RM look on as the weavers move slower and slower, getting more and more tangled up in blue. Blue yarn that is.  RM turns to the Sherpa and asks, “want to know what these weavers are all about? Their journey is more complex than mine. And, we are traveling in the same direction so I want to set the stage for you with the Village of Weaver’s story.”  “My best guess,” responds the Sherpa, “is these weavers are tangled up in blue and aren’t going anywhere real soon.” RM chuckles and states, ” you are starting to get it. Speaking of being right here, right now, how are you going to avoid getting tangled up in blue yourself?”  The Emotional Sherpa knows far too well how easy it is to get tangled up in blue. He’s been there, done that. But, can he choose a different trail this time? Just because the Sherpa is aware of how easy it is to get entangled doesn’t mean he knows how to prevent himself from getting tangled up again, right? The Sherpa reaches into his pocket to get a photo of this crazy making event and hits face-time instead. Damn face-time. Yikes! When that happens, the Sherpa knows he has to look at himself and consider his role in tangled up relationships. “Why is it so hard to change?” asks the Sherpa. RM replies, “well, let me tell you the weaver’s story so you can figure it out yourself.

RM begins the tale with, “a long, long time ago in that Castle way up on the hillside over there lived a Queen the villagers called Queen Unpredictable, and her mute husband they called, King I Don’t Care.” RM stops and tells the Emotional Sherpa he’s gotta go. “Are you kidding me? You start a story like that and then to take off ?” cries the Sherpa. RM explains to the Sherpa this adventure he’s on is like a Netflix series. After about 37 minutes, the story ends to be continued next time. “Get back into the here and now and start dancing Mr. Heavy Ladened,” shouts RM. The Sherpa does just that. He gets up and joins in.

Here are a few Tips from the Trail offered by the Emotional Sherpa himself as he practices staying in the right here, right now:

1. To bring yourself back to the here and now, play the 5,4,3,2,1 game. It’s the Sherpa’s sure-fire way to live in the present moment. Remember this from previous posts?

See 5 things on your daily walk you haven’t noticed before,

Hear 4 things,

Feel 3 things,

Smell 2 things,

Taste 1 thing.

2. If you get back into the present and feel a sense of discomfort like fear, anger, or anxiety;  STOPP and allow yourself a few moments to feel the strong emotion. This is very uncomfortable for some of us, so please only practice this technique if you have a toolbox full of effective, self regulating skills. If that’s a foreign concept to you, find a Trailtalk therapist to assist you in filling your toolbox so you can learn to tolerate strong emotions.

3. Ride the Emotion Wave – this is a popular tool called the Crave Wave (read more here).

Here’s how it works: when you feel a strong emotion, STOPP. Remember that tool?

Stop what you are doing.

Take a deep breath.

Observe what you are thinking about.

Pull back like you are zooming out to see a panoramic view of your thoughts, and ask yourself if you have all the facts. Is there another way of looking at this situation?

In your mind’s eye, imagine yourself riding an ocean swell. As you are at the top, breathe in, and as the swell moves on, breathe out. Here comes another one! The emotion is strongest at the top as the swell brings you up and you breathe in. The emotion dissipates as the swell moves on, and you breathe out.

Practice. Do this visualization several times knowing that what you are feeling is a perceived threat.

Now take on the day!  See, hear, feel, smell, and taste every moment. Happy trails, Allison